Footlight Parade **

One judge of superstardom is when people not only look for your films 70 years later, but look for your bad films and even call some of those classics.

I’m not one of those old-timers who insist that all movies made back then were classics or even good. The only reason it might seem that way is that the bad movies for the most part don’t last the test of time. There were no videos or DVDs back then, so if a studio wanted to kill a movie, they just would. There are some bad cult classics that can be found today like Reefer Madness, but most of those clunkers die a peaceful death.

But movies don’t die when Jimmy Cagney is involved. The man could do everything and anything – sing, dance, comedic roles, dramatic roles, tough guy roles – and he did it all brilliantly. He’s probably the single most versatile performer in the history of cinema with the possible exception of Lon Chaney Sr. He can mesmerize an audience so much that they don’t realize that they are watching an absolutely indescribable piece of garbage like Footlight Parade. Notice I didn’t say unwatchable because nothing Cagney is in is unwatchable.

With that description, it might seem odd that I would choose Footlight Parade as the first Cagney movie to review. It’s not odd at all. It’s easy to shine in a great movie where everything in clicking. Greatness is judged when the wheels are falling off. With that in mind, the wheel-less Footlight Parade is the best judge of Cagney’s greatness.

I’ve seen this movie five times, once sober. You can’t watch this movie sober. Once you see Ruby Keeler as the Asian prostitute, you’ll go into convulsions. Ruby’s always puzzled me. She dances like a sumo wrestler at a ho-down, can’t really sing too well and those are usually two qualifications for being a star of musicals. She also can’t act and that would usually be a qualification for WASPish woman to portray an Asian prostitute. With all this considered, she was probably the most famous musical star of her day. I have a headache now and it’s time for some Tequila.

Usually at this point, I’d give a brief description of the plot. I’ve only seen this five times, and I have no clue. It has something to do with Cagney playing a former musical producer who wants to get back into the business. Then Dick Powell falls in love with the pseudo-Asian prostitute for unknown reasons. The wonderful Guy Kibbee makes a quick appearance. There’s three-foot tall Billy Barty playing a child, even though he’s about 52 years-old. During a lull in the action, Busby Berkeley takes a moment to break into his trademark camera-100-feet-in-the-air-women-in-bathing-suits-pretending-to-be-objects “dance” routine. It was always a big crowd-pleaser in the day (unless I was in the crowd).

Now for the big finale. Jimmy Cagney goes searching for Ruby Keeler (hopefully to deport her) in an opium den. I’m not sure where the opium den came from. This may be the first time an opium den has been mentioned in the history of cinema. Historic. There’s a black sailor sitting with a white prostitute (well, isn’t that progressive?). Cagney breaks into the horrible song Shang Hi (Shang Hai?) Lil, which he heroically tries to save. Cagney finds Keeler (AND THERE’S A CLOSE-UP OF HER!!! MAKE IT STOP!!!), carries her out of the den and throws her into a pit of sulfuric acid (Okay, the last part didn’t happen, I just wanted to see what it looked like in print. I like it.). At the end, everyone lives happily-ever-after and Busby does one more routine where sailors dance and from above appear to be the American flag, then they shift and it appears to be FDR’s face in the middle of the flag, then they shift again and there is the NRA eagle (portrayed by the white swimming caps of Busby’s dancers) in the middle of the American flag. Sorry for giving away the ending.

Now I know you’re all sitting there thinking, “Jim, that was a poorly-written account of this movie and we are under the impression that you’re drunk.” Well, you watch it and try to do better. Granted I just ate the worm, but I’m telling you there was some morphine involved when this was written. Those weird movies in the 1960s were meant to be weird. They were meant to be anti-establishment. That’s why it was weird. That was the point. How the hell do you explain this debacle? When a movie ends with an endorsement of the National Recovery Administration, it’s usually not meant to be avant-garde. I’m sure Roosevelt was thrilled to see his program’s symbol portrayed with dozens of swimming caps.

Now look up this movie on-line. Look for other reviews. They will all be glowing and fawning. People write about what a wondrous work this was. I don’t get it. Please watch it and honestly defend it using specifics without sounding like Jerry Garcia. It can’t be done.

This movie is just garbage, but again it was not unwatchable because no movie with Cagney is unwatchable. That’s why Cagney is the greatest movie star ever. You have a problem with that statement. I present Footlight Parade as Exhibit A.