Billy Jack (-****************)

For the sake of full disclosure, I am completely snookered right now. You might ask how any responsible adult could act in this manner while working? Well, you see, that’s why I got drunk. It’s the only condition I can be in to get through Billy Jack in its entirety (or the opening credits for that matter). And so it is because of you, you my faithful readers, that I find my self in this condition. I hope you’re all proud of yourselves.

I have made the argument in the past that Billy Jack is the greatest plague that has ever been released on the cinema. Note the wording because it’s important. I didn’t say it was the worst movie ever made (even though it is close, maybe some Ed Wood movie is worse). I said it was the greatest plague. Big difference. Being a plague is much worse, but there is a lesson to be learned here. We’ll get to that later. Where to begin?

Back in the early 1970s, this jackass, Tom Laughlin, decided he wanted to address every social issue in the country and do it not by writing a pamphlet, but by making a film. Into this film, he tossed in some good ol’ wilderness shots, a bunch of hippies and some horrible twangy Leonard Cohen-sounding drivel. Oh and by the way, we’ll throw a little karate in there too. I hate martial arts movies in concept alone because the basic premise is that not only is the main character a karate expert, but also everyone else he happens to run into, which is stupid. I can maybe understand it in a Japanese film where karate is taught to everyone since the age of one, but this is bunch of frigging white guys in Oregon. Why don’t they just have a whittlin’ competition to settle their differences?

Take all of the above referenced ingredients, add in some sanctimony, uncharismatic bad acting by Laughlin as the star and a lovely message stating that a gun is more important then the Constitution when it comes to getting justice - and there you go.

Like I said, the movie’s bad enough, but that’s not what disgusts me about it. What does disgust me is that people went to watch this. Enough people so that sequels were made. Billy Jack became a cult figure. Laughlin got more work. David Carradine, Jean Claude Van Dam and Steven Segal found a doorway to a successful career doing something other than washing your car. And all this because you thought it would be a good idea to give this godforsaken movie a shot one Saturday night because you were bored. Because you have no life, we all have to suffer.

This piece of garbage starts by telling the story of this woman named Jean, who runs the Freedom School in Pueblo, Colorado (okay, I said Oregon, what’s the hell’s the difference?) where she teaches children creative arts and how to love the children of God. The conflict arises a white business man (you’ll notice I keep bringing up ethnic origins – so does Billy Jack) sees this school as a threat to his livelihood and to his dominance of this small desert town so he sends thugs to have it destroyed. But half-Cherokee and half-white Billy Jack arrives back from Vietnam to save the day and karate people into submission. It’s kind of like a hippy version of Road House.

I just thought of this. Laughlin makes a big deal out of BJ being half-white and half-Cherokee. The movie also emphasizes that BJ hates violence, but he has to use it in order to protect all the people singing kumbaya. I bet the honky part was the violent half and the Cherokee portion was the kumbaya half – how’s that for deep thinking? I really hate this movie.

Well, the evil white guy (I have no idea who plays him) won’t give up that easily and he sends a force the size of Patton’s Third Army after Billy Jack, but ol’ Billy fights them off using his crack shot as well.

During the course of all this fighting, Billy Jack confronts and solves a lot of problems in the world such as the Israeli-Palestinian conflict (he beats them all up), high gas prices (he invented a car that runs on vegetable oil), corruption in government (he installs a socialist government that he runs), and the global warming (he moved the earth 500 miles away from the sun).

I won’t give away the ending because I don’t remember it and I refuse to finish this because then I have to hear the god-awful theme song, One Tin Soldier, again, and I won’t do that…for you or anyone.

I sacrificed for you by watching this horrible movie and for this I need you to take one thing away from this dreadful experience. There is a personal responsibility that comes with going to the movies. It’s not just entertainment. It’s a big money business that influences a lot of lives.

The people who went to see Billy Jack when it originally came out are probably in their sixties now and their grandchildren are still paying the price for their lack of judgment. Not only was one Billy Jack sequel made, but two. Then think of all the horrible Steven Segal movies. Think off all the tight denim jackets and pants people wore after this. If this movie got the viewership it deserved, none of this would have happened and I wouldn’t have to review this 36 years later. Laughlin can still be found on television and he has a website where he still refers to himself as Billy Jack. Think about that next time you’re opening another Pandora’s Box at the movie theatre. It’s eight dollars for you and a lifetime of pain for the rest of us.