Dolemite -*****

The tonic in my gin was flat this morning and everything went down hill from there. Whenever I get in a mood like this, I always feel better after watching a really bag movie and analyzing how stupid people other than me are. Well that theory got put to a test today.

I asked around for recommendations and came to the conclusion that Dolemite, a "drama" from the 1970s, would fit the bill. After watching it the first time, I...maybe I should give it a second shot. Maybe I wasn't in the right frame of mind then first time. Let's try it again, shall we? Let me make a few martinis for everyone (you'll need them) and we can huddle around the television. If there's a friend near you, you may want to hold hands. Alright, everyone ready? Here we go.

So far so good. Nothing strange about the opening credits. I've never heard of anyone here, but that's okay. The movie stars Rudy Ray Moore and is directed by D'Urville Martin.

Okay, here's a problem. Well, maybe I'm picking nits here. This could be some meaningful character development in the script or it could be some bad casting. I don't want to be judgmental here. Let me present you with the situation and see what you think.

Pop quiz. You are a director and for reasons we don't know are forced to use a character with a severe lisp, but he only has one two word line. The question is which two word line would you give him?
a) Tire iron
b) Hot babe
c) Feeling pain
d) Stolen furs

If you said (d), then send your resume to D'Urville Martin, c/o wherever the hell he lives. When I was watching it earlier, it actually took me three bites of the apple to figure out what he was saying. It came out "Tholen Thurth." "THOLEN THURTH" FOR CHRISSAKES. I WASTED TWO MINUTES OF MY AFTERLIFE FIGURING OUT WHAT THAT IDIOT JUST SAID...ahhh good martini. Kind martini. You're my only friend, martini. Let me make some more.

Right after this scene, Mr. Martin and his crew sent Issac Newton and Alfred Einstein scurrying to their blackboards. One guy hits another guy (I can't be bothered to look up who they are) with a left hook and the "victim" falls to his right into the trunk of the car with the "tholen thurth." Now either this broke every law of physics that I know of or the "victim" was hit so hard that he traveled through the air faster than the speed of light around the world and landed in the car coming from the opposite direction or it was a major continuity screw up. I'll go with the second choice.

Lookie here, we have some character development. Let's give a warm welcome to the Creeper. He just spoke for 17 seconds, waved to Dolemite and walked away, and I have no idea what he just said. Let me try it again...Nope, no clue. You'd think I'd be able to understand one word like an infinitive or something, but no. I guess the point is that he brain is fried from drugs that he used due to his plight in life. or we'll just say that's the reason, shall we?

After the Creeper bid Dolemite adieu, Mr. Martin cut to a long shot and we see the Creeper walking away from the camera. For a long time. Just walking.

While the Creeper was walking, I took the time to look up Mr. Martin's CV. He really hasn't directed much of note, but he was Lionel in the pilot episode of All in the Family. They actually made a sequal to this? Orson Welles raised money for years to make Chimes at Midnight and this gets a sequel. Some idiot could have given money to starving children in Somalia, but thought making Dolemite II was more important. Okay. Mr. Martin died in 1984, so there won't be a Dolemite III at least. Drinks, anyone?

And when we return with fresh martinis for everyone, the Creeper is still walking. ("Shane. Come back, Shane.") I'm guessing that Mr. Martin is utilizing some of the techniques of Fellini or Ozu in showing the hopelessness of man's situation in the world by looking at the plight of the Creeper and how small he looks in the large world through this long shot...or they're killing time. I'll go with the former.

A little later, Mr. Martin's character (did I mention he was a performer in this one too) is talking to Willie Green (the baddest man you've ever seen) and after he leaves the shot, we can see him hop onto the chair behind the camera just in case we forgot he was the director. I'm guessing here he was breaking the fourth wall to show how difficult it is to make a movie these days and the sacrifices that we have to make, just like in real life. Yeah, we'll go with that.

We just had a scene where the entire shot was blown up. I have no idea what happened. There was either some surrealistic Ken Russell stuff going on there or someone hasn't learned about the wonders of the light meter. We'll go with the former because it's scary to think that was the best take they looked at in the editing room.

You may have noticed that I did not mention a plot as of yet. Well, I really haven't figured one out. It has something to do with Dolemite, a madam named Queen Bee and a group of kung fu fighting prostitutes trying to save their business from people I don't know while two cops named Mitchell and White are everywhere, threatening everyone, while doing nothing. I think. Not exactly what you would want to see on the back of a DVD box, but let's see you do better.

There are a few subplots in the movie like Dolemite reciting a poem about this guy named Shine, who survived the Titanic and stuck it to the white man. This story went on for quite a while and every time Dolemite finished a verse, all of the men around him exchanged money. I have no idea why.

We also have some side characters like Joe Blow, the Lover Man ("you should be paying me, bitch"). A lovely gent who utilized the services of a woman under Queen Bee's employ. Mr. Blow decided that he didn't want to pay the full amount due to the young lady (for the reason stated above), but did give her five dollars for sanitary reasons. This has nothing to do with the plot that I'm aware, but it was entertaining in a crude way. Well, I'm going to stop there since I don't want to give away the ending.

If you're optimistic, Dolemite was an ambitious remembrance of the French New Wave, utilizing avant garde acting, writing, filming, editing and producing techniques. If you're not optimistic...well, we'll just stay positive here, have four or five more martinis and forget the last two hours ever happened. Cheers.